Short Story - The Life of Reilly
In a bustling courtroom, a crowd gathers and murmurs incoherently as the portly Judge Porcost takes his granted place at the throne. The jury skillfully sits in the corner, whilst a journalist - me - types up every scuffle that occurs in this courtroom. This journalist happens to be very handsome, indeed; much more handsome than you can hope to ever be.
Porcost: (raps his gavel candidly) All those talking, I politely invite you to shut up! Thank you. Ahem. The defendant, Reilly, will now present himself, along with his assumed lawyer.
Reilly: (approaches half-heartedly, along with his idiot lawyer, Haven) Heya, Porcost.
Porcost: Quiet, you! (To Haven) How does your client plead?
Haven: Innocent, my Inconvenience, but I believe him to be guilty.
Reilly: What? You - you - you imbecile!
Haven: Hey, I'm allowed to voice my opinion, amn't i?
Porcost: (raps his gavel) Silence! I wish to hear silence!
Reilly: Well, technically, you can't hear -
Porcost: Silence!
Reilly: Yessir.
Porcost: Now, what's this crime you're accused of, pray tell?
Reilly: I committed no crime, Your Most August Sir. I was unjustly accused by the King, on account of my austerity.
Porcost: Humbug! Poppycock! Rubbish! Boulder dash! Tomfoolery! Pro di Immortales! Gracious! Eggs and Bacon! By Trump's toupee, that is the most disrespectfully obscene statement you could ever hope to make! The good and stately Himself would never in a hundred years and two days accuse someone unjustly of a crime! You must be guilty! You must be!
Haven: My thoughts exactly, my Incompetence. Perhaps his crime was that he disrespected the Most Awesome King's name.
Reilly: I did nothing of the sort, you -
Porcost: (jovially smashing his hammer against the most tedious desk) Stop talking, will y'all?! We have some business to get down to! (inconspicuously sips a Skinny Latte, then calms down, releasing a solitary breath) Now, I'm a larceny judge, so you must have stolen something. Tell me, young sir, what was it that you stole?
Reilly: Nothing!
Porcost: Aha! So you admit to it! You did steal something! You stole nothing!
Reilly: (after the hustle and bustle dies down) Yes, you're absolutely right. I stole nothing. Case closed! Let's let me go!
Porcost: But if you did steal nothing (a hint of the accused' austerity creeping into his voice) then shouldn't you be rightfully charged and convicted for the crime? Shouldn't you be jailed, even imprisoned, for it?
Reilly: But I stole nothing! How can I be imprisoned for that?!
Porcost: Quite easily, actually. Theft is against our very good laws. Please do not deny that both robbery and burglary are against the law.
Reilly: (a tad bothered) But I didn't do it! Look, I didn't steal, okay? You can't steal nothing.
Porcost: So you did steal something.
Reilly: No! Okay, let me e'splain something to you. Nothing is nothing. With me so far? You can't touch it. You can't hear it. You can't eat it. It isn't a tangible substance.
Porcost: Oh, but you did steal it. You admitted to it yourself. Are you calling your good self a liar?
Reilly: (tolerantly) Nothing isn't real!
Porcost: But of course it's real! It's in the dictionary, isn't it?
Reilly: (befuddled) Well...
Porcost: Okay then! It's settled!
Reilly: But dragons are in the dictionary, aren't they? And they aren't real.
A Voice From the Crowd: He has blasphemed! (crowd goes wild)
Porcost: Silence! (slams his gavel maliciously, extinguishing the fray) Now, Reilly, that is an illogical statement. That's like comparing constellations to star formations. By the way, dragons are real. They are a subspecies of the Dinosaurus Rex. Moving on.
Reilly: But -
Porcost: (most vehemently) Moving on! Now, tell me, who did you steal nothing from?
Reilly: You can't steal nothing! Nothing isn't anything!
Porcost: Of course it isn't anything - it's nothing! We're not accusing you of stealing anything; we're accusing you of stealing nothing. Sheesh, you sure are confusing!
Reilly: But I didn't steal nothing!
Porcost: Okay, then, what did you steal?
Reilly: Nothing!
Porcost: So you once again admit to stealing nothing! It's pretty clear that you're guilty! The evidence is practically piled against you! To tell you the truth, I don't know why I just don't slap you in irons right now! I'm just too soft, I guess.
Haven: Just a minute, Your Imminent Greasiness. I have the victim of Mr. Reilly's atrocious crime right here with me!
Reilly: What are you, my lawyer or my prosecutor?!
Haven: (after ardently flashing Reilly a ferocious grin) Your Shiftiness, I present to you Diggory. He's a hobo.
Porcost: (after Diggory presents himself) Alright, Diggory. Swear your word on the Bible.
Reilly: Hey! How come you didn't make me do so?
Porcost: Eh! We can't trust whatever you say anyway. No use over technicalities just for you.
Reilly: I'll be dogged! (dejectedly stares into open space)
Porcost: (after swearing Diggory in) Now, Diggory, you have the floor.
Diggory: Thankee kindly.
Haven: Now, Diggory, isn't it true that you had nothing?
Diggory: It is, Most Blessed Sir.
Haven: Do you have nothing now?
Diggory: No, sir. I have the floor.
Haven: (thumping vigorously and triumphantly one the witness' head) There you have it! Diggory, what did this man take from you?
Diggory: He didn't take anything from me.
Haven: Yes, well, then, what did he take from you?
Diggory: Nothing.
Haven: (deductively thumping his prominent fist before the judge) There you have it! Ladies and gentlemen, this is most evident proof that Mr. Reilly, my client, stole nothing from this poor man!
Reilly: But I'm innocent!
Haven: Humbug!
Porcost: A humbug well deserved. Reilly has no proof that he did not steal nothing, so therefore he must have stolen nothing! Thank you, uh - ?
Diggory: Diggory. And I have a plea to make, if Your Masterful Pompousness wouldn't mind me doing so. Us poor folk have an awful meager percentage of nourishment to gnaw on during these trying wint'ry seasons.
Porcost: (very Thorin-like) What of it?
Diggory: Well, Your Most Improbable Honor, I was a'wondering if you could give us some food to eat? For the children?
Porcost: (off-handedly) Then let them eat cake.
Diggory: Well! (gathers nothing and leaves in an awful huff)
Porcost: Well don't go away mad, Diggory! Want another cup of coffee?
Haven: My liege, I believe you were about to sentence Mr. Reilly.
Reilly: Et tu, Brute?
Porcost: Oh yes, thank you, Haven. Now, Reilly, a witness was all we needed. Let us learn of the jury's verdict. (the jury enthusiastically holds up signs that stated Reilly was as guilty as rain itself) That settles it, then. Reilly, we have found you to be guilty! (slams his favorite gavel in victory) And what's more, you shall receive a sentence of Fifteen Years in Prison!
Reilly: What?! Just for stealing nothing?!
Porcost: Larceny is a most treacherous crime. It must be dealt with harshly, or it will forever impede society as we know it. A corrupt and stupid judge may even take my place because of it! Now, Reilly, any last words before you begin your decomposing in prison? (Reilly is speechless) Well, then. Guards! Remove this foolish crook from my sight!
The guards drag the defendant from the room, who is petrified yet still screaming. The onlookers begin to sleepily file out of their benches, as the lofty Judge Porcost jumps from where he had previously perched and makes a beeline for the bathroom. Haven, Reilly's lawyer, slowly and dramatically picks up his book of law, weighs it with nothing, smiles, then places both in his briefcase and leaves. Soon, all disperse, except for a certain handsome journalist - that's me.
Porcost: (raps his gavel candidly) All those talking, I politely invite you to shut up! Thank you. Ahem. The defendant, Reilly, will now present himself, along with his assumed lawyer.
Reilly: (approaches half-heartedly, along with his idiot lawyer, Haven) Heya, Porcost.
Porcost: Quiet, you! (To Haven) How does your client plead?
Haven: Innocent, my Inconvenience, but I believe him to be guilty.
Reilly: What? You - you - you imbecile!
Haven: Hey, I'm allowed to voice my opinion, amn't i?
Porcost: (raps his gavel) Silence! I wish to hear silence!
Reilly: Well, technically, you can't hear -
Porcost: Silence!
Reilly: Yessir.
Porcost: Now, what's this crime you're accused of, pray tell?
Reilly: I committed no crime, Your Most August Sir. I was unjustly accused by the King, on account of my austerity.
Porcost: Humbug! Poppycock! Rubbish! Boulder dash! Tomfoolery! Pro di Immortales! Gracious! Eggs and Bacon! By Trump's toupee, that is the most disrespectfully obscene statement you could ever hope to make! The good and stately Himself would never in a hundred years and two days accuse someone unjustly of a crime! You must be guilty! You must be!
Haven: My thoughts exactly, my Incompetence. Perhaps his crime was that he disrespected the Most Awesome King's name.
Reilly: I did nothing of the sort, you -
Porcost: (jovially smashing his hammer against the most tedious desk) Stop talking, will y'all?! We have some business to get down to! (inconspicuously sips a Skinny Latte, then calms down, releasing a solitary breath) Now, I'm a larceny judge, so you must have stolen something. Tell me, young sir, what was it that you stole?
Reilly: Nothing!
Porcost: Aha! So you admit to it! You did steal something! You stole nothing!
Reilly: (after the hustle and bustle dies down) Yes, you're absolutely right. I stole nothing. Case closed! Let's let me go!
Porcost: But if you did steal nothing (a hint of the accused' austerity creeping into his voice) then shouldn't you be rightfully charged and convicted for the crime? Shouldn't you be jailed, even imprisoned, for it?
Reilly: But I stole nothing! How can I be imprisoned for that?!
Porcost: Quite easily, actually. Theft is against our very good laws. Please do not deny that both robbery and burglary are against the law.
Reilly: (a tad bothered) But I didn't do it! Look, I didn't steal, okay? You can't steal nothing.
Porcost: So you did steal something.
Reilly: No! Okay, let me e'splain something to you. Nothing is nothing. With me so far? You can't touch it. You can't hear it. You can't eat it. It isn't a tangible substance.
Porcost: Oh, but you did steal it. You admitted to it yourself. Are you calling your good self a liar?
Reilly: (tolerantly) Nothing isn't real!
Porcost: But of course it's real! It's in the dictionary, isn't it?
Reilly: (befuddled) Well...
Porcost: Okay then! It's settled!
Reilly: But dragons are in the dictionary, aren't they? And they aren't real.
A Voice From the Crowd: He has blasphemed! (crowd goes wild)
Porcost: Silence! (slams his gavel maliciously, extinguishing the fray) Now, Reilly, that is an illogical statement. That's like comparing constellations to star formations. By the way, dragons are real. They are a subspecies of the Dinosaurus Rex. Moving on.
Reilly: But -
Porcost: (most vehemently) Moving on! Now, tell me, who did you steal nothing from?
Reilly: You can't steal nothing! Nothing isn't anything!
Porcost: Of course it isn't anything - it's nothing! We're not accusing you of stealing anything; we're accusing you of stealing nothing. Sheesh, you sure are confusing!
Reilly: But I didn't steal nothing!
Porcost: Okay, then, what did you steal?
Reilly: Nothing!
Porcost: So you once again admit to stealing nothing! It's pretty clear that you're guilty! The evidence is practically piled against you! To tell you the truth, I don't know why I just don't slap you in irons right now! I'm just too soft, I guess.
Haven: Just a minute, Your Imminent Greasiness. I have the victim of Mr. Reilly's atrocious crime right here with me!
Reilly: What are you, my lawyer or my prosecutor?!
Haven: (after ardently flashing Reilly a ferocious grin) Your Shiftiness, I present to you Diggory. He's a hobo.
Porcost: (after Diggory presents himself) Alright, Diggory. Swear your word on the Bible.
Reilly: Hey! How come you didn't make me do so?
Porcost: Eh! We can't trust whatever you say anyway. No use over technicalities just for you.
Reilly: I'll be dogged! (dejectedly stares into open space)
Porcost: (after swearing Diggory in) Now, Diggory, you have the floor.
Diggory: Thankee kindly.
Haven: Now, Diggory, isn't it true that you had nothing?
Diggory: It is, Most Blessed Sir.
Haven: Do you have nothing now?
Diggory: No, sir. I have the floor.
Haven: (thumping vigorously and triumphantly one the witness' head) There you have it! Diggory, what did this man take from you?
Diggory: He didn't take anything from me.
Haven: Yes, well, then, what did he take from you?
Diggory: Nothing.
Haven: (deductively thumping his prominent fist before the judge) There you have it! Ladies and gentlemen, this is most evident proof that Mr. Reilly, my client, stole nothing from this poor man!
Reilly: But I'm innocent!
Haven: Humbug!
Porcost: A humbug well deserved. Reilly has no proof that he did not steal nothing, so therefore he must have stolen nothing! Thank you, uh - ?
Diggory: Diggory. And I have a plea to make, if Your Masterful Pompousness wouldn't mind me doing so. Us poor folk have an awful meager percentage of nourishment to gnaw on during these trying wint'ry seasons.
Porcost: (very Thorin-like) What of it?
Diggory: Well, Your Most Improbable Honor, I was a'wondering if you could give us some food to eat? For the children?
Porcost: (off-handedly) Then let them eat cake.
Diggory: Well! (gathers nothing and leaves in an awful huff)
Porcost: Well don't go away mad, Diggory! Want another cup of coffee?
Haven: My liege, I believe you were about to sentence Mr. Reilly.
Reilly: Et tu, Brute?
Porcost: Oh yes, thank you, Haven. Now, Reilly, a witness was all we needed. Let us learn of the jury's verdict. (the jury enthusiastically holds up signs that stated Reilly was as guilty as rain itself) That settles it, then. Reilly, we have found you to be guilty! (slams his favorite gavel in victory) And what's more, you shall receive a sentence of Fifteen Years in Prison!
Reilly: What?! Just for stealing nothing?!
Porcost: Larceny is a most treacherous crime. It must be dealt with harshly, or it will forever impede society as we know it. A corrupt and stupid judge may even take my place because of it! Now, Reilly, any last words before you begin your decomposing in prison? (Reilly is speechless) Well, then. Guards! Remove this foolish crook from my sight!
The guards drag the defendant from the room, who is petrified yet still screaming. The onlookers begin to sleepily file out of their benches, as the lofty Judge Porcost jumps from where he had previously perched and makes a beeline for the bathroom. Haven, Reilly's lawyer, slowly and dramatically picks up his book of law, weighs it with nothing, smiles, then places both in his briefcase and leaves. Soon, all disperse, except for a certain handsome journalist - that's me.
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