Short Story: Born Yesterday


by O'Keefe

Hello, ladies and gentlemen! Today, I shall demonstrate to you the genius of technology! We have here right before us is an experiment we like to call ‘Confabulation Therapy’, or, as many of my coworkers casually refer it to, the ‘born yesterday project. Yes, I know it’s odd…. Please, have a seat. Fill in the aisles, if you will. What you will be hearing will shock you.

Now, as you can see – oh, Mr. Percy, please! Let the lady have a seat! Thank you! You know what they say; fat people are the politest people because – well, never mind. This is a scientific show, after all. Now, we shall begin. As you can see on the slides, this is called Confabulation Therapy. The reason why so many of my colleagues call it the ‘born yesterday project' is because, well, there’s no other way to put it – we implant false identities into our subjects.

Now don’t get alarmed – I can see this is going to take a bit of explaining. No, Miss; don’t leave. You will be glad you stayed – oh, well. I bet she’d leave at the first rocket launching as well. Anyway, first I must explain myself a little better than I have. Confabulation Therapy is the treating of an individual's mind, that is, to make them forget everything they know and to remember an identity that is not their own – a made-up reality.

For example, when we were new with the programing, we programed a man to believe that grass was fire and water would kill him. It was actually pretty hilarious, but admittedly unimpressive. Next, we programmed a man to have no concept of physics or gravity – didn’t end well. Then we made someone believe he was Abraham Lincoln. Then, finally, we created a prototype advanced enough for the eyes of the public and of the scientific community – one whose grasp on reality is so loose and deformed it will disturb you.

Now – what’s that? No, it’s not. You see, they are mental patients, plucked from the worst conditions. This will actually help people in the future. It very well may cure them of their insanity. Now – not again! Look, why don’t I just show you him? Behold – the man!... or at least, what's left of him.

Yes! And here he is! No don’t worry – though there is a small chance of him becoming violent, a bulletproof glass screen separates the audience – you – from the stage. And, so that I myself don’t get harmed, a screen separates the subject from me. You can see a polygraph is hooked up to the man, so you can see he is not lying. Now, when I speak into this microphone, he can hear me. Otherwise, he thinks I'm just babbling. Now, I will test the polygraph for you. Jerry, can you hear me? What is the color of a firetruck? And give me the wrong answer. Ha! See? Now, let us begin.

Jerry, what is 2+2? No, Jerry! That’s stupid!

Jerry, give us a detailed description of how man was made.

Pftt! Can you believe this? Oh, I realize a second microphone was not installed on Jerry. That’s very well, because it would distract him. Jerry says people came from the sea. This, in fact, is not true, nor is it detailed. Man was made by the process of evolution, and – well, I’m quite sure I don’t have to explain this to any of you. Let us ask another question.

Jerry, how was America founded? No, Jerry! Ha! Ha! Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, but this is rich! You can see the polygraph has indicated that he believes himself to be truthful, when, in fact, what he is telling is a result of confabulation. America was not colonized by the British! It was the central command center of the old Persian Empire!

And that is proof! Proof that Confabulation Therapy works! Thank you! Thank you for your applause! You can now see that the man on the stage might have well been born yesterday!

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