Essay: The Common Misconception on Dinosaurs

by Dr. O'Keefe

Greetings! Today I will teach you about a subject that a surprising amount of people sadly know little to nothing about, and that tropical topic is: dinosaurs.
   Known to scientists as dino, dinere, dinosaurs were first invented in the late 1800’s, when someone found them. Ever since then, we’ve been trying to find out more and more about these magnificent creatures that lived over a hundred years ago. These seemingly fearsome beasts are, in all actuality, rather tame. Many people always try to make dinosaurs out to be animals, but there have been very few accounts of dinosaurs actually harming humans, let alone consume them.

MISCONCEPTIONS

   There is a plethora of misconceptions about these scaly mammals, and I’ll start out with the source of all this misinformation: Jurassic Park. Jurassic Park has so many dinosaur mistakes it’s horrifying. For one thing, they used animatronics instead of the real thing, so it’s stupid on your part to think they’d be represented correctly. The T-Rex is about as tall as a tree in that movie, which is ridiculous. It was as tall as a mountain in real life, which is why it was the king of the jungle. And the triceratops was not sick.

TYPES OF DINOSAURS

   There are many types of dinosaurs: meat-eaters and leaf-eaters. The meat-eaters comprise of the T-Rex, Spinosaurus, Dinosaurus, Velociraptor, and Allosaurus.
   Let’s start with the most famous one. The Spinosaurus is a creature of incredible girth, with an immense height of umpteen feet. It totes a sail on its back, which it uses to sail out to sea in hopes of discovering America. It can fight off ten bears.
   The T-Rex is, as previously mentioned, the king of the jungle, and has more teeth than you. I gave you a lot of its stats already, but here are some extra facts:

i. It’s stomp has been known to cause earthquakes, which is why most of the earth on earth is underwater
ii. It was used to help build the pyramids
iii. It’s surprisingly bright
iv. It can fight off eleven and a half bears

   The Dinosaurus is a dinosaur.
   The Velociraptor is a quick, nimble creature, which is why it is often depicted out running coyotes. One thing the movie got right about these endangered creatures is their brute cunning. A single Velociraptor has been known to outwit seventy-seven people, and is so intelligent that it is rare for a hunter to actually find one in the wild. It can fight off 0.51 bears.
   Allosaurus is often depicted in an incorrect manner. It is likened to that of the T-Rex, on a 1/5ths scale, but in fact, it is somewhat more alien. If you take a look at its skull (pictured below) you will find it has four eye sockets on one side of its head, making for a total of eight eyes.

Comparing this to most dinosaurs’ two eyes, that’s rather strange. An Allosaurus can fight off fifteen baby hippopotamuses. 

   Now, aside from these gentle devils, there are also vegans, which consist of the following: long neck, three horn, duck bill, and Pterodactyl. Interestingly enough, the plant eaters are perhaps more vicious than their toothier counterparts. For example, the three horn had three horns, which was used to impale innocent civilians, and the long neck could, in theory, but not in reality, whip its tail hard enough to decapitate someone. Here are some fun and hip facts about these salad-eating monstrosities:

i. A long neck’s neck was so long that many paleontologists today believe blood couldn’t have traveled from its heart to its brain in time if its neck stood up straight. So long necks only lived for a couple of minutes.

ii. Many people are under the false impression that the Pterodactyl is a meat eater. However, their diet comprises mostly of fish, and since fish isn’t considered meat, they aren’t carnivores.

iii. Duck bills are perhaps the only herbivore that has a meat eater’s body. That’s because they’re all freaks.

iv. The scientific name of the three horn, Triceratops, derives from the Greek ‘Tri’, meaning ‘three’ or ‘third’, and ‘ceratops’, meaning ‘wheel’. This derives from dinosaur times, when they would wander behind all the other herds, and were mainly used as bait for when the T-Rex would stumble upon them.

WHAT HAPPENED?

Many people have their own little theories on how the dinosaurs ceased to exist, from famine and volcanic activity to droughts and meteors. That’s cute, but all these ‘theories’, when scrutinized by the deft eye of an academic, turn out to be, at the very least, ill-informed, if not outright stupid. A look at the table below demonstrates this perfectly:

Now, I know what you’re thinking: ‘If none of these half-baked scenarios did them in, what did?’ Well, I have a couple of peer-reviewed theories on the matter myself. And here they are:

#1. There has been much debate as of late among the scholarly community over whether or not dinosaurs were lightninged to death. Now, what I mean by this is, due to their immense size, they were large enough to get easily struck by lightning. I mean, can’t you imagine a long neck stretching its neck up, and then its head getting struck by lightning? It’s very possible, you must admit.

#2. Boredom is another overlooked yet very reasonable theory. Dinosaurs could possibly have been so bored that they just died of boredom. I mean, its just jungle they’re walking around in, after all. And plus, one good look at the fossil record shows that they aren’t doing anything. Must have been pretty boring, if you ask me. 

#3. There could have been a great war, a war that spanned over continents, a war that drove the dinosaurs mad with bloodlust and led them to destroy themselves a thousand times over. 

#4. The dinosaurs could just have gotten old. After all, people get old, and then they die. Couldn’t the same have happened for dinosaurs?

#5. Aliens.

CONCLUSION

In conclusion, many people know zilch about the terrible lizards, and in this article, I have proven beyond a reasonable doubt the nature of these crazy creatures. Moreover, I have proven that the public consciousness is rather dim when it comes to the topic of dinosaurs, and that it is my humble duty to prove the truth to be what it is: truth. Q.E.D.